Lighting thief without another N
by AwesomeJait
Summary: A parody about the Lightning Thief: The Christmas lights on Olympus have been stolen and our Hero Percy Jackson is blamed for it,but all he cares about is the awesome Lightning thief, the same story with another 'N'. And the absence of a N changes a story from Awesome to.. well please review and tell.
1. An Awesome Intro to me and others

**DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based parody**

**on , Percy jackson and**

**the Olympians series is owned**

**Rick Riordan and the publishers**

**The Lighting thief **without a N

**Chapter 1. An Awesome Intro to me and others**

Look, I don't want to be a half-blood

If you are reading this because you think this is adventure book like Rick Riordan's Lightning thief, my advice is: read that book,Do not believe If any body says that it is not good, because it is Awesome!

You should also read Sea...I am getting off topic. Lightning thief is Awesome. That is not the topic, as I was telling being an half blood is...booooring, no wait it is dangerous. It's funny. Most of the time it kills you in painful nasty ways, believe me, I know. Once my friend Beckendorf was blown on a ship where he was cruising with his girlfriend Silena. Wait was it the ship filled with titans and ugly monsters? Anyway, my name is Percy Jackson. I am twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a student in Yancy academy, a private school for awesome kids in upstate New York.

Am I a awesome kid?

Yes, yes I am! Not as awesome as Lightning thief tough. It is very very very awesome!

Anyway, I could start at any point in my awesome life were every thing is awesome but the things started to go from awesome to legendary last May, when our sixth grade class took a field trip to Manhattan- 28 awesome students including yours truly with 2 _not-as-awesome-as-me-and-of-course-the-lightning-thief-which-is-very-awesome_ teachers on yellow cool bus, to the Metropolitan Museum of Awesomeness (featuring me),wait was it...Art, that's it was Metropolitan Museum of Awesomeness (featuring The Lightning Thief).wait it was...forget it, it was some museum featuring something awesome. I think.

I thought it will be awesome. It was not. It was Legendary. It lead by...guess who...Mrs. Dodds.

Mrs. Dodds was this awesome math's teacher from Georgia who always wore a black leather jacket, even tough she is 50 years old. She looked mean enough to ride a Harley in your locker, which is awesome.

Wait, that's it Mr. Brunner (horse pooper as I call him) was also there. Mr. Brunner was this middle-aged guy in a motorized wheelchair. He had thinning hair and a scruffy beard and a frayed tweed jacket, which always smelled like coffee. I hope this trip is more awesome than others.

Boy, was I wrong. See, not so awesome things happen to me on field trip.

Like at my fifth-grade school, when we went to the Saratoga battlefield, I triggered this Revolutionary War cannon. I was aiming for the nearest building. But, it accidentally hit the cool bus. It wasn't awesome as it would have been if it had hit the building but I had some fun. I also got : Yancy is my 6th school in six years!

Anyway, me and my friend Grover (Grover is a boy with a acne, think he failed for many also has a note excusing for PE. That's because he is crippled. His legs are like the satyrs in Mr. Brunner's stories even tough he does not have furry legs. Yes, I bet 1000 bucks that he is not a satyr ) on the bus had to put up with the kleptomaniac girl Nancy Bobofit. She was throwing chunks of peanut butter and jelly on back of his head.I like PB&J's and couldn't let it go to waste so I helped Grover.

"I'm going to kill her," I said.

"She is a girl and also you will go to jail if you kill her."

"Can I hurt her just a little?"I asked

"Well okay, it will be the most awesome thing in the world"

"What! Didn't I tell you that nothing is more awesome as The Lightning Thief!"

"Okay, 2nd awesome thing in the world"

"I am the 2nd awesome thing in the world!",I was tired of correcting him.

"3rd"

"Ok, were is she anyway" I asked as there was no one there.

"Boys why don't you come down the bus. we have stopped" Mr. Brunner asked.

" Okay horse pooper"

"Why do you call me that" horse pooper asked bewildered.

"Glad you asked!" I said "Once I came in the washroom after you. I think the toilet did not flush properly so some of your...um...something was looked like the poop I saw in the pooper-scooper patrol I did in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade."

"wait what!"

**And with this awed silence on horse poo-I mean Mr. Brunner's face I invite you to read the next chapter of this awesome- not as awesome as the Lightning thief with a n - story and don forget to review, the lighting thief...without another n! **


	2. It's a Fan Fiction!

**DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based parody**

**on , Percy jackson and**

**the Olympians series is owned**

**Rick Riordan and the publishers**

**The Lighting Thief **without another n

**What happened in the previous chapter: **Introduction,Awesomeness, more awesomeness and... we have:-

**Chapter 2. It's a Fan fiction! **with 2 Ns

Horse pooper led the tour.

He rode in his poop machine on wheels, guiding us through echoey galleries; there were some boring things on display. HP (Its not harry potter for god sake! i hate it when they compare me with him because lets face it, I am awesome! it's Horse pooper.) told us that these 'things' were thousands of years old. Can you believe that!

Sorry about this but this happened many years ago so i don't actually remember small us gathered around a stone column which was….. You know….. That thing…Let's call it _thing._ HP said "This _thing_ is a grave marker for a girl. This _thing_ was made many years ago by the ancient Greeks. The carvings around the side of this _thing_ were made to represent her name, date of birth and date of death. This _thing_ is a fantastic specimen in Greek architecture." I know it's boring. To top all that other students started asking questions like 'who is this girl on this thing?', 'how did she die' and 'from which material is this thing made of?'. Get a life people!

Anyway, every time I went to sleep Awesome Dodds (not more awesome than the lightning thief) gave me an evil eye. I know! Right! She is sooo awesome! Once she made me erase answers out of old notebooks (which was hard and boring, but it also proves that Dodds is an awesome monster, yes Monsters are awesome!). That day I told Grover that she is a monster. Then Grover said very scared "_**Duck**_!"

He did not say _duck._

"How did you know? You shouldn't know that, Oh _**DUCK**_! Sorry I shouldn't have said that, in the book I say 'you are absolutely right'"

"Grover, It's a Fan fiction."

What a goat! He is as dumb as a satyr. He doesn't know that this a fan fiction.

I didn't know what he was saying before he said those dumb things, but, many times I heard him say things like "he knows…..why! Why does he know!...oh pan!"

All I could figure out was that I got to know something and he was hitting himself with a pan and was going bonkers.

Brunner was talking about some Greek funeral art or something "That _thing_ we saw_….blah blah blah…._dont know it yet"

Well the next thing I said is something I don't recommend to geeks, but i recommend this to others because it's **HILARIOUS!**

I told Hp "Shut the _**DUCK**_ up!"

Hp stopped talking

"Mr. Jackson" he said "did you have a comment?"

"Ya" I said "I said 'Shut the _**DUCK**_ up'"

"Mr. Jackson shouldn't I be your favorite teacher?" he asked

"It's a Fan fiction!" I said

"Okay then,Mr. Jackson" He said sarcastically "what does _**duck**_ mean? Can you tell us?"

"It means" the next 5 minutes were gone in dis_cussing_ (yes, _cussing_ comes in discussing) what **Duck** meant.

No, I am not going to tell you as many of you might know. As for those who don't know it, it means to stoop or bend suddenly. Yes,that's what it means.

When Hp heard I said he said "If you know that much!" he said, then he pointed towards a picture "Perhaps you know what that means?"

I looked at the picture "that's easy" I said "Zeus fed Kronos mixture of mustard and wine, which made him barf out the other gods he swallowed who as being immortal had been growing inside his stomach completely undigested. The gods defeated their father, sliced their father into pieces with his own scythe, and scattered his remains in Tartarus the darkest part of the underworld."

Mr. Brunner said with his mouth open "how did you know? Shouldn't I be telling you after You gave a wrong answer"

"It's a fan fiction!"

Soooooooo unobservant, Such a guy!

"I see" said Hp looking dissapointed. "Mrs. dodds would you lead us outside for lunch"

at last! Unfortunately, as I was about to follow Awesome Dodds, Hp said ""

I looked.

"what the **_DUCK_****-"**

he did not say _**DUCK**_

"do you have to say about the f... duck comment!"

This time he did say duck

"it doesn't matter. its a Fan fiction."

"It's not" he said

"it is!" I said

"It's not" he said

"it is!" I said

"It's not" he said

"it is!" I said

"It's not" he said

**5 hours later**

"It's not" he said

"it is!" I said

"It's not" he said

"it is!" I said

"It's not" he said

"it is!" I said

"It's not" he said

"It's not" I said

"it is!" he said

"I know" I said "It_ is_ a fan fiction! Look at the title!"

"OK! I give up!" he said "but shouldn't you be fighting Mrs. Dodds?"

" Its a fan- wait what?"I exclaimed "I will fight...AWESOME!"

"NO!NO!NO!" Hp said "she is a fur...kindly one"

"what is that?" I asked

"Didn't I teach you?"

"what do you teach?" I asked

"Greek Mythology!" he exclaimed

"what is that?" I asked

"Gods!" Hp sighed "don't you have to fight Dodds!"

"whose that?"

"Shes a fur...,kindly...,monster!" he said

"Shes a monster!" I exclaimed " I am going

"Percy! wait-"

I was gone before I could hear the next.I really shouldn't have gone. But, heck, it's a fan fiction.

**And with this holy-crap-the-title-of-the-chapter-is-the-same-as-the-end finish I invite you to the next chapter of the...wait a** **minute**(with a n)...**The teacher is a monster(I KNEW IT!) anyway read the next chapter of this story**(which coincidentally doesn't have another N) **and don't forget to review with a N! **I have to stop saying that! 


	3. I vaporize my prealgebra teacher

**DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based parody**

**on , Percy jackson and**

**the Olympians series is owned**

**Rick Riordan and publishers**

**Last chapter on the story without another N:** Awesomeness continued, more awesomeness, Oh!and all maths teachers are monsters and the next chapter isssss...

**Chapter. 3 I purposely vaporize my pre-algebra teacher(No maths for the rest of my life!)**

I ran into the hallway. I saw dodds standing waiting patiently for me

"Hi Mrs. Dodds" I said

"I was waiting for you Jackson!" she said "you have been giv-"

"I know that you are a monster" I said

"What!" said Mrs. Dodds "you shouldn't know that"

"It's a-"I started

"Oh! It's a fan fiction! So that's why!" she exclaimed.

"Finally!" I said "somebody knows that it is a fan fiction! That is why you are awesome!"

Mrs. Dodds was pleased

"but," I said "not as awesome as the lightning thief!

"WHAT!" Exclaimed Mrs. Dodds "Lightning thief is not more awesome than me! PERCY JACSON!"

"Um… Mrs. Dodds" I said "Its Jac_k_son, J-A-C-K-S-O-N, not jacson"

"You!" angry Mrs. Dodds said "you son of a _**sea god**_"

She did not say sea god.

"I will kill you for that" she said

Thunder shook the building

Then there was rain and thunder while Mrs. Dodds was speaking "you _boom_, I will hit you on you _boom_,you are son of a _boom_, you think we were _boom_, who do you think you are, you dirty _boom_, I will cut of your_ boom_ and sell it to a _boom_"

"Um..." I said "I don't know what you are talking about?"

"That's it you dumb boom" said Mrs. Dodds "what do you have to say for yourself"

"What does _boom_ mean?" I asked

Mrs. Dodds was a very angry hag. I don't know what happened next. It was weird… no… very weird.

Mrs. Dodds' eyes began to glow like barbeque coals. Her fingers stretched, turning into talons. Her jacket melted into large, leathery wings. She had moth full of yellow claws. The very angry hag turned into a…. well…. A ugly very angry hag.

She lunged it me, thoughts raced by me, my mother, me killing Nancy bobofit , Myself and of course, the lightning thief.

I dodged her attack. And then things got even weirder.

Hp wheeled his chair into the hallway. "Percy take this!"

He threw at me an uncapped ball point pen

When I held it something happened of which part of is good while the other is bad.

The good news: the ball point pen turned into a sword which I could use to accidentally vaporize my pre-algebra teacher.

The bad news: I… sort of…. Held the sword on the wrong side.

"OH, _**DUCK**_!"

The sword fell down, Mrs. Dodds and hp stood there watching awkwardly as I held the wound cussing and shrieking.

I picked the sword "Ok, now I am ready!"

"Um…" said Hp "You should have already killed Mrs. Dodds"

"It's a FAN-FICTION!" both I and Mrs. Dodds said.

"Anyway" said Hp "both of you carry on your fight, I will just go"

He wheeled away down the hall.

"Come on!" I said "Now I will kill you!"

"Ok jacson!" Said Mrs. Dodds.

"That's it" I said "You dumb _**Fury**_"

I did not say fury.

Mrs. Dodds got even angrier "I WILL KILL YOU!" She jumped towards me.

I jumped. Not towards Mrs. Dodds but the opposite direction.

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP ME!"

She followed me flapping her wings. "JACSON! Turn around you _**coward**_"

She jumped high up just landing on me and lunged at me.

The next thing I did was so awesome that I have composed a poem on it:

_There was a boy, awesome and great;_

_though not as awesome as the lightning thief,_

_he fought a ugly hag with eyes filled with hate,_

_she said "you are ground-beef_

_as a senseless bait ."_

_Pulled out his sword sparkling like gold_

_which came out of a ball point pen_

_that doesn't come in a geeks hold;_

_he did a act only done by men,_

_killed a hag who was much too old._

crowd cheering!

thank you everyone, I know its awesome!

Anyway, Mrs. dodds lunged at me.

I turned around trying to guard her attack.

She touched the sword, and at once she turned into sand ( not as ugly as the other form) and was blown away.

The sand went in my eyes.

_hahahaha_ I heard

"who is it!"

_It is mr's doddssss!_ the voice..um... Mrs. Dodds ..said

"Whatt?"

_I am going to haunt you now percy jacson_ she said

"You Bi-"

Sorry, note-to-self: T-rated story

"You **Fury**!"

I did not say fury

"Its JACKSON!"

**Thank You Mr. Jacson..oops Jackson for clearing it up, now I move on to some questions asked by the fans of this story (that would be me!) in this new segment-**

**-Probably Asked Questions-** with only 1 N!

**Q. What did Mrs. Dodds say to Percy while thunder booming?**

**A**"you FOOL, I will hit you on your hand,you are son of a god, you think we were mad, who do you think you are, you dirty lier, I will cut of your hair and sell it to a wig maker"

**Yes, So, Ignoring the looks given by the people with dirty minds, I invite you to review now and of course, read the next chapter or duck off... I am sorry... or don't read the next chapter of the awesome story(which could be the most awesome story If it had another N) the lighting Thief **without a N!**(I probably should add another N!)**


	4. Socks for Godzilla

**DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based parody**

**on , Percy Jackson and**

**the Olympians series is owned**

**Rick Riordan and publishers**

**On the last chapter: **Awesomeness(of course!), Percy's first monster kill(**Awesome**) Percy's first poem (**Not that awesome**) and The monster in percy's head, and now the next chapter without a N:

**Chapter 4. Socks for Godzilla**

Most Awkward thing in my life: talking to a ghost monster in a museum hallway holding a ball point pen which was a sword.

So I changed my facebook status back from Awkward to Awesome and went back outside. I talked to Grover "Where is Mrs. Dodds?"

He hesitated and replied "Who?"

"Our teacher,DUH!"

"No, she is not our teacher."

"but"

He said "This is a fan fiction!"

"Yeah! But…don't….why…so…but, SHUT UP!" I said, "I am awesome, so I am always right!"

I saw HP sitting under his red umbrella, reading his book, as if he'd never moved.

I went over to him. He looked up, a little distracted. "Ah, that would be my pen. Please bring your own writing utensil in the future, Mr. Jackson. "

"No" I replied "I already have all my writing utensils, you were the one who tossed me the pen."

"but-"

"And that pen turned into a sword and I killed the fury"

Lightning boomed.

"No it is not-Wait whaaaaaaaaaat!" he exclaimed

"Yes, I killed a fury" Lightning boomed again, I looked up and said "Will you shut up!"

HP started to say "don't say fury-"lightning boomed again, "Say kindly one."

"Well she was not kind" I replied.

"Also, there is no Mrs. Dodds on this trip. As far as I know, there has never been a Mrs. Dodds at Yancy Academy. Are you feeling all right?" he said.

"But-"I started to say,

"I know it is a fan fiction" he said "but, everyone is saying there is no Mrs. Dodds is because… um..."

"Because what?" I asked,

"We wanted to give you a surprise" he said "don't ask…. Ok I will tell you."

"What is it?" I asked warily.

"The third book written by Rick Riordan" he said "don't tell anyone that I said-"

"Hey Ryan!" I asked "is everyone giving me the titans curse as a surprise gift"

"-That" he completed.

"No." he said

But I still knew he was lying. Ever so often I would spring a Mrs. Dodds reference on somebody, just to see if I could trip them up, but they would stare at me like I was psycho.

After a month I started to get the feeling that Hp was lying, I know the Titans Curse and Mrs. Dodds are not related, also nobody knew anything about  
>The Titans Curse, they did not think the Lightning thief was Awesome and they were-<p>

Hmm, they did not think The Lightning Thief was awesome,

Horse pooper was lying to me!

I was going to kill him but I waited for the right time, Muhahahaha.

Not the right role. Sorry I was trying my Kronos.

Anyway, I did not kill him. (I hate being good!)

A few days later, the biggest tornado ever spotted in the Hudson Valley touched down only fifty miles from Yancy Academy. One of the current events we studied in social studies class was the unusual number of small planes that had gone down in sudden squalls in the Atlantic that year.

I started feeling cranky and irritable most of the time. My grades slipped from Ds to Fs. I got into more fights with Nancy Bobofit and her friends. I was sent out into the hallway in almost every class.

Finally, when our English teacher, Mr. Nicoll, asked me for the millionth time why I was too lazy to study for spelling tests, I snapped. I called him an old **sot.** Actually I did not say sot.

Mr. Nicoll got me expelled , That old sot! (this time I am saying sot)

Great, I told myself, at last! I was FREEEEEEE!

_No, you are not_ said ghost Dodds _I am with you._

Oh gods save me!

_No,_ said Dodds _Actually,2 gods want to kill you_

I freaked even more.

As exam week got closer, Latin was the only test I did not study for. I threw the Cambridge Guide to Greek Mythology across my dorm room or was it the trash?

Anyway, I was so frustrated over latin that I went to HP's cabin to give him a piece of my mind.

I took the book (thank the gods it was across the dorm!)and walked downstairs to the faculty offices. Most of them were dark and empty, but Hp's door was ajar, light from his window stretching across the hallway floor.

Grover said "-worried about Percy sir"

I stopped, I know all the boys and girls like me, but I did not know that grover was-

"good one Grover!" said Hp,

"I know, I am hilarious."

-never mind.

"I mean I know we need to protect him and all but I don't think I will worry about him!" Hp laughed.

"I know that the summer solstice deadline is close, but the thing about the boring books he reads-"

I was so furious that the mythology book dropped out of my hand and hit the floor with a thud.

There was silence.

I thought that they will come looking for me, so, I took the book and started to run,

then I heard in Hp's office, "probably a rat"

"Yeah" agreed Grover "where was I, oh yeah , his boring books!" he laughed

"Anyway," said Hp "You need rest, you have Exams tomorrow"

"Like I need to pass!" both laughed

I slipped out into the hallway and made my way back up to the dorm.

I lay on my bunk for a while.

After a few minutes grover came back and started studying for latin.

I knew Grover and Hp were talking about me behind my back, Not only that they were making fun of me, but they were insulting me.I was not going to let my feelings ahead of myself and get angry like a small child, I had to keep my feelings inside and-

"Why were you and horse pooper making fun of me?"

"we were not"He said

"yes you were"

"no"

"yes"

"no"

"yes"

**3 Hours Later**

"no"

"yes"

"OK Yes!" He finally said.

"I am always right" I boasted"It is Percy 2 and everyone else 0 ya all!"

"Yes, yes you are AWESOME-"He started to say

"Second most awesome" I explained "first is the Lightning thief."

"Ok, 2nd Most Awesome" he agreed "What is the second point for?"

"I won another yes-no against Horse pooper"

"Oh!" he said, "Anyway we need to sleep, we have exams tomorrow"

"Ya"I said "Am I forgetting something-"

"No," Grover cut me in mid sentence "go to sleep"

The next afternoon, as I was leaving the three-hour Latin exam which I did not really study, Hp called me back.

For a moment, I was worried he'd found out about my eavesdropping the night before, but that didn't seem to be the problem.

"Percy, " he said. "Don't be discouraged about leaving Yancy. It's ... It's for the best. "

"What's for my best?"I Asked.

"Leaving Yancy." He replied.

"Why am I Doing that?"

"Umm... You got expelled" He replied, irritated.

"why?" I asked

"You Insulted Mr. Nicoll"

"How?

"You called him a...umm" he paused fully irritated "go back to your dorm!"

Nancy Bobofit smirked at me and made sarcastic little kissing motions with her lips. I know, ladies love me!

On the last day I packed my suitcase and practically ran to the Greyhound station.

_At last,_ I thought _some peace and quite._

But, Grover was in the same bus as me.

_You spoke too soon_ Mrs Dodds said.

"Shut up" I told her.

The bus ride was so boring that I remembered the conversation between grover and pooper.

"You were laughing at me" I said.

"no"

"yes"

"n-" he stopped "lightning thief is awesome"

"Don't Change the subject" I said "and you are right, it is awesome and-"

"But-" he started

"AND..." I said warning him "and..."

"what?" he asked completely terrified.

"And..."

"WHAT?" grover was shivering out of his skin.

"My score is 3-0 in yes-no contest" I said

Grover was dumbfounded"What-" he was interupted

a huge grinding noise under our feet. Black smoke poured from the dashboard and the whole bus filled with a smell like rotten eggs. The driver cursed and limped the Greyhound over to the side of the highway.

"Who farted" I asked the driver.

"Nobody, the bus just broke down" he replied.

"It really was you,wasn't it?" I whispered to him.

"Shut up and get outside" He said "it is going to be few minutes"

All passengers started talking to each other:

"- The Driver farted", "-He is soo cruel!", "-scolding that poor child."

He looked at me "Please go out"

"ok, I am going"

We were on a stretch of country road-no place you'd notice if you didn't break down there. On our side of the highway was nothing but maple trees and litter from pass-ing cars. On the other side, across four lanes of asphalt shimmering with afternoon heat, was an old-fashioned fruit stand.

The stuff on sale looked really bad: heaping boxes of bloodred... um blood , jugs of blood was in a claw-foot tub full of ice, there was also brains ,lungs and other internal organs on sale.

There was no doubt why there were no customers,just three old ladies sitting in rocking chairs in the shade of a maple tree, knitting the biggest pair of socks I'd ever seen And they were looking at me

Tell me they're not looking at you. They are, aren't they?"

"Yeah. Weird, huh? You think those socks would fit me?"

"Not funny,Percy. Not funny at all. " he said " It is very funny!"

We both started laughing.

All of that stopped when the middle lady cut the yarn, and I swear we could hear that snip across four lanes of traffic.

"Oh no "said grover

"Why,Are those socks for godzilla!"

"I-" He started to say.

"Are those ladies going to use godzilla to take over the world..."

At the rear of the bus, the driver wrenched a big chunk of smoking metal out of the engine compartment. The bus shuddered, and the engine roared back to life.

The passengers cheered.

"Darn right!" yelled the driver. He slapped the bus with his hat. "Everybody back on board!"

As we came back on board I asked Grover "Does the sniping of cord mean-"

"It means you are going to die" He interupted.

"I was going to say that the super weapon of Godzilla is finished-" I started "Sweet-mother-of-Posiedon, I am going to die!"

"I don't know how to say this" He said

"Say What?"

"What"Grover said"and yes,you're going to die."

"Oh" I said "**DUCK!**"

**An with the clever use of words *cough* I invite you to read and review the next chapter of the (now-I-am-not-saying-without-another-N-because -it-is-getting-boring) story, the lighting thief without another N.**

**crap! without any N!**

**Damn! with a N!, Oh! come on! with a N **

**Fu- **- there is a technical error, please review-

Technicians note: Read the next chapter of the Lighting theif **WITH A N!**


	5. Under Grovers Pants

**DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based parody**

**on , Percy Jackson and**

**the Olympians series is owned**

**Rick Riordan and publishers**

**In the Last chapter: **Awesomeness raised to 5, a boring bus ride, A sock that only fits a Godzilla, superstitious nonsense about a snipping of a cord and the author got therapy over using the word N and now to the next chapter of the lighting thief without another N, son of a bi-

**Chapter 5. Under Grover's pants.**

I ditched Grover. I know I should have done it earlier.

Here is a secret: Grover has a really reall_ly_ weak bladder and by weak I don't mean has to pee a lot, but... lets say he needs to use his...um...Full power.

So as soon he went to the restroom I got my suitcase and slipped out and hailed a taxi.

"No kids are allowed in this taxi" the driver said.

"But I really need to go." I said.

"There is the restroom." He pointed and started to laugh.

"If you don't let me in I will hit you in a place so hard that not only will you wont be able to have kids but you wont be able to use any restrooms"

"How do you know so much?"

"Internet" I answered.

"Where do you want to go" He finnaly asked.

"East One-hundred-and-fourth and First," I told the driver.

A word about my mother, before you meet her.

Her name is Sally Jackson and she's the best person in the world, which just proves my theory that the best people have the rottenest luck. Her own parents died in a plane crash when she was five, and she was raised by an uncle who didn't care much about her. She wanted to be a novelist, so she spent high school working to save enough money for a college with a good creative-writing program. Then her uncle got cancer, and she had to quit school her senior year to take care of him. After he died, she was left with no money, no family, and no diploma.

The only good break she ever got was meeting my Dad. sort of.

How should I say this lightly...let me think...

No! there is no way to describe this as: 1. this is a T rated story

2. it will be a insult not just my family but the whole humanity

Let just say that when both of them met, there was a miracle and I was born.

Anyway, She worked odd jobs, took night classes to get her high school diploma, and raised me on her own. She never complained or got mad. Not even once because as you know I am AWESOME! [Not as Awesome as the Lightning Thief (I get tired of saying that so from the next time I am going to say NALT)]

Finally, she married Smelly Gabe,

Don't worry I am not making this up, his name really is Smelly Gabe. Why won't believe me!

OK, I swear it on my mother, I swear on candies, I swear on lightning-

Ok I am lying.

His name is Sweaty Gabe

Anyway, was nice the first thirty seconds we knew him, then showed his true colors as a world-class jerk at everything except for

1. Drinking

2. Gambling

and...

99. choosing perfect topping on a pizza.. thats it

Holly-chapter-20-of-lightning-theif he knows a lot.

Also, Even tough he married my mother, Sweaty is um... Gay.

But, he refuses that fact.

Anyway,I walked into our little apartment, hoping my mom would be home from work. Instead, Smelly Gabe was in the living room, playing poker with his buddies. The television blared ESPN. Chips and beer cans were strewn all over the carpet.

Hardly looking up, he said around his cigar, "So, you're home."

"Where's my mom?"

"Working," he said. "You got any cash?"

"I got zero $" I answered

"You took a taxi from the bus station," he said. Probably paid with a twenty. Got six, seven bucks in change. Somebody expects to live under thisroof, he ought to carry his own weight."

100. Sniffing out money.

Anyway, I gave him my money and stormed in my room which really wasn't my room. During school months, it was Gabe's "study." he kept magzines which was full of naked guys.

Not Gay my **b****_ass_****guitar.**

One look into it and I can pass out for min. 2days.

Also in the closet... there was a model of... an external organ which is rarely seen by anybody, If you know what I mean.

If you don't, can we exchange our lives? please? pretty please?

I once touched it and it started shaking for 8 hours as I did not know how to turn it of and thus lost my sleep.

Anyway, After sometime I heard a pounding on my stairs.

What If...?...What if?

No I shook that thought away.

But...What IF!

I was shaking out of my skin.

I was so relieved that mom came out of the door.

I was relieved but I was not going to tell her that I was scared, I was not going to cry like a child-

I cried "Mom, MOM!I thought that It was Sweaty and his boyfriend coming up the stairs to..to have-"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"she laughed

"Why are you laughing so hard!" Sweaty asked screaming from downstairs.  
>"Percy thought that you and your boyfriend-" Mom started.<p>

"I AM NOT GAY!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "WHY DO YOU THINK THAT!"

"You shouldn't leave your magazines or models in my room!" I screamed back.

"Well then," Sweaty answered "**Duck** you."

Anyway, I wanted to tell her about Mrs. Dodds and the three old ladies with the yarn, but I thought it would sound like I was a little boy imagining something-

"Mommy, Mommy, do you know what happened to me?" I asked

"What happened to my li'l boy?" she asked

"A teacher turned into a winged monster.."

"you should not talk about teachers like that!" she scolded.

"but..But...Whaaaaaaaaaaaa!" I started to cry.

"Dont cry my li'l baby" My mommy reassured.

"I have a surprise for you," she said. "We're going to the beach."

I stopped crying "For real?When?"

She smiled. "As soon as I get changed."

"You are going to change here?" I asked.

"No, you Idiot-" She started.

Sweaty came inside "Why was this dummy crying? Did he poop in his pants?"

she told Sweaty. "We were just talking about the trip."

Sweaty's eyes got small. "The trip? You mean you were serious about that?"

Sweaty softened a bit. "So this money for your trip ... it comes out of your clothes budget, right?"

"Yes, honey," my mother said hugging him and her hand was slowly going to his pocket.

"And you won't take my car anywhere but there and back."

"We'll be very careful." she said sliding his wallet out of his pocket and slipping it in her pocket

Sweaty scratched his double chin. " maybe if the kid apologizes for interrupting my poker game."

"Maybe if I kick you in your soft spot and make you sing soprano for a week." I answered

"WHAT!" Sweaty Exclaimed.

"I meant sorry that I interrupted your incredibly important poker game and make out sessions with your friends-"

"I AM NOT GAY!"

"Don't fight both of you" sally said "I will go change"

"I will go see it" Sweaty answered.

"Wait What?"I asked.

"Nothing." He answered "I am going down to resume my poker game."

He opened the door and turned back.

"Not a scratch on this car, brain boy," he warned me as I loaded the last bag. "Not one little scratch."

Like I'd be the one driving. I was twelve. But that didn't matter to Sweaty. If a seagull so much as pooped on his paint job, he'd find a way to blame me.

An hour later we were ready to leave.

It took me just a minute to see If I had all my Important stuff:

Johnson and the olympians, The lightning thief,The book.

That's all.

Sweaty took a break from his poker game long enough to watch me lug my mom's bags to the car. He kept griping and groaning about losing her cooking—and more important, his '78 Camaro—for the whole weekend.

Watching him lumber back toward the apartment building, I got so mad I did something I can't explain. As Sweaty reached the doorway, I made the hand gesture that I had seen some of my friends doing. I made a fist and put up one finger and showed it to sweaty's back

The screen door slammed shut so hard it whacked him in the butt and sent him flying up the staircase as if he'd been shot from a cannon. Maybe it was just the wind, or some freak accident with the hinges, but I didn't stay long enough to find out.

I got in the Camaro and told my mom to step on it.

Our rental cabin was on the south shore, way out at the tip of Long Island. It was 3 stories tall. It had gold decorations on walls and there was food and water in the 3 door was like a small mansion. Honest. It was 4th most awesome thing in the world.

We got there at sunset, opened all the cabin's windows,

We walked on the beach, fed blue corn chips to the seagulls, and munched on blue jelly beans, blue saltwater taffy, and all the other free samples my mom had brought from work.

I guess I should explain the blue food.

See, Sweaty had once told my mom there was no such thing. They had this fight, which seemed like a really small thing at the time. But ever since, my mom went out of her way to eat blue. She baked blue birthday cakes. She mixed blueberry smoothies. She bought blue-corn tortilla chips and brought home blue candy from the shop. This—along with keeping her maiden name, Jackson, rather than calling herself Mrs. Ugliano-.I mean Gabe —was proof that she wasn't totally suckered by Sweaty. She did have a rebellious streak, like me.

When it got dark, we made a fire. We roasted hot dogs and told me stories about when she was a kid, back before her parents died in the plane crash. She told me about the books she wanted to write someday, when she had enough money to quit the candy shop.

Eventually, I got up the nerve to ask about what was always on my mind whenever we came to Montauk—my father. Mom's eyes went all misty. I figured she would tell me the same things she always did, but I never got tired of hearing them.

"One day I found him lying naked and Drunk in our cabin, I was scared at first but then I took of my...I screamed much louder than before"AH!"...We changed position...I was tired...My...hurt...Both of us fell asleep, the next day I woke up and I was feeling dizzy and I threw up like 5 times then I found out I was pregnant."

OK...

That night I had a vivid dream.

It was my mom and another man trying out the story that mom told me...Finally she screamed "AHHHHHHHH!"

I woke up there was a real scream. Was there really another man in her bed?

I looked at her bed. She had woken up. She sat up, eyes wide, and said, "Hurricane."

I knew that was crazy. Long Island never sees hurricanes this early in the summer. But the ocean seemed to have forgotten. Over the roar of the wind, I heard a distant bellow, an angry, tortured sound that made my hair stand on end.

Then a much closer noise, like mallets in the sand. A desperate voice—someone yelling, pounding on our cabin door.

I was not only scared but I was frightened, I slowly walked towards the door slowly,

I opened the door and I held my breathe, grover was outside.

"Grover where are your pants!" I asked "Oh sweet-author-of-the-lightning-thief you have goat legs!"

"Shouldn't that be revealed at the end of the chapter-"He started

"Its a fanfiction you goat-" I stopped "I mean half-goat.."

"MrsjacksonIcamehere-" grover said

"Grover don't billy goat on me, tellme what happened"

"Searching all night," he gasped. "What were you thinking?"

"Percy what happened at school-" She asked "Hard-p #%$-of-posiedon you were telling the truth!"

"yes and who is posiedon?" I asked.

"he is a greek god-" Grover started.

"He is your father" Mom Interupted.

"wait WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

**And with this screeching ending o this chapter I** **Invite**- stop yelling percy-** I invite you to read and review the next chapter of **

**the LIGHTING THIEF** without another N!. (Shut up Dr. Nincompoop starting with a N)


	6. Son of a Bull

**DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based parody**

**on , Percy Jackson and**

**the Olympians series is owned**

**Rick Riordan and the publishers**

**On the last chapter of the awesome story without another N:- **Awesomeness(I am getting tired of this), We met Percy's Mother and gay, yes _gay_ step father Sweaty (Background- Gabe: "I am not Gay!"), and we also learnt what is under Grovers pants (And yes my dirty friends, he is a man... actually a man goat) and now we continue the scream of Percy and Grover who have probably injured their throats screaming so hard:-

**CHAPTER 6 Son of a bull.**

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!" Grover and I exclaimed.

"But-" I started

"We have to go to camp half blood" Mom interrupted

"What's that-" I started.

"Answer It later Mrs. Jacson-" Grover started.

"JACK_S_ON!" Mom and I exclaimed.

"But that's what I said-" Grover said.

"Who is going to kill percy!" Mom interrupted.

"The Minotaur!" Grover answered

"A What-' I started.

"We need to go now!" Mom said

I gave up. Mom and I ran towards the car and Grover….um…. galloped.

We reached the car and I was about to yell-

"I call shotgun" Grover said.

"But, I want shotgun!"

You know the outcome an hour later.

"Ok you take shotgun!" Grover said "We need to go now!"

I was about to get in the car when a horrible thought struck me.

"I will be back." I said

Mom screamed "WHAT THE **DUCK** do you want to get when a fu-"

I didn't hear more as I was out of hearing range.

I opened the cabin door and took the most Important thing in the world: The Lightning Thief!.

We tore through the night along dark country roads. Wind slammed against the Camaro. Rain lashed the windshield. I didn't know how my mom could see anything, but she kept her foot on the gas.

There was silence for a long time.

Grover finally spoke "Why did you delay us for a book!"

"I will answer that if you answer my question." I..um…answered.

"What!" he asked.

"Why are you a goat?"I asked

"I am not a goat, I am a satyr, half goat and half man-" Grover started

"Was your father the goat or the human?"

"Well he-" Grover started "Wait what!"

"Did he and a goat..um-" I started.

"No!" Grover answered "Both my mother and father are satyrs!"

"Percy," my mom said, "there's too much to explain and not enough time. We have to get you to safety."

"Safety from what? Who's after me?"

"Oh, nobody much," Grover said, obviously still miffed about the Human-goat comment. "Just the Lord of the Dead and a few of his blood-thirstiest minions."

"Grover-" My mom started.

"wait what" I asked.

"nothing" Grover asked "Mrs. Jackson ,Could you –"

"What about the lord of dead?"

"-drive faster, please?" Grover answered not responding me.

"Ok, If you do not answer me then your father and a goat went in a bush which the goat had eaten and had-" I started.

"You are a son of a **seagod**" Grover cussed.

"Well then, you are a son of a Goat!" I said.

Yes, I did say goat.

My mom made a hard left. We swerved onto a narrower road, racing past darkened farmhouses and wooded hills and PICK YOUR OWN STRAWBERRIES signs on white picket fences.

"How much time is it?" Grover asked.

"About half of an hour." Answered my mother.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"I will tell you later" Grover said.

"If you don't tell me I am going to say 'Where are we going?' for half an hour" I answered.

"Camp Half-blood" He answered.

"Sounds booooooring-" I answered.

"We learn to fight monsters." He answered.

"really!" I said "are we there yet?"

"no" both replied.

"Are we there yet?"

"No"

"Are we there yet?"

"No"

"Are we there yet?"

"No"

"Are we there yet?"

"No"

**15 minutes later.**

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are we there yet?"

"No!"

"Are we there yet?"

"NO!"

"Hey Grover" I said.

"WHAT!" he screamed.

"It's rude to scream like that" I explained.

"I am sorry" he said "What did you want to say to me?"

"Are we there yet?" I asked.

He groaned "No"

"Are we-" I started.

"Hey Percy," He said "You will also learn Greek Mythology in camp half blood."

"It is rude to in-" I started "Sweet-mother-of-god-who-is-not-so-great-as-me-and-of-course-N-A-L-T I don't like Greek myths!"

"Boys, we are about to reach." Mom said.

"ya" Grover said "I can see thalia."

"Who-" I started.

"No time" mom answered.

There was a blinding flash, a jaw-rattling _boom!, _and our car exploded.

I remember feeling weightless, like I was being crushed, fried, and hosed down all at the same time.

I peeled my forehead off the back of the driver's seat and said, "Ow."

"Percy!" my mom shouted.

"I'm okay... ." I started just when I saw my arm "Not okay."

"You look okay" mom answered.

"The lightning thief is torn!" I answered.

"Grover we need to-"

"FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!" Grover groned.

"Percy," my mother said, "we have to ..." Her voice faltered.

I looked back. In a flash of lightning, through the mud-spattered rear windshield, I saw a figure lumbering toward us on the shoulder of the road. The sight of it made my skin crawl. It was a dark silhouette of a huge guy, like a football player. He seemed to be holding a blanket over his head. His top half was bulky and fuzzy. His upraised hands made it look like he had horns.

I swallowed hard. "Who is—"

"Percy," my mother said, deadly serious. "Get out of the car."

My mother threw herself against the driver's-side door. It was jammed shut in the mud. I tried mine. Stuck too. I looked up desperately at the hole in the roof. It might've been an exit, but the edges were sizzling and smoking.

"Climb out the passenger's side!" my mother told me. "Percy—you have to run. Do you see that big tree?"

_"What?"_

Another flash of lightning, and through the smoking hole in the roof I saw the tree she meant: a huge, White House Christmas tree-sized pine at the crest of the nearest hill.

"You are coming with me!" I said

"Okay I will help you carry Grover and no you will not hold your book, I am holding it

We ran towards the pine tree.

Together, we draped Grover's arms over our shoulders and started stumbling uphill through wet waist-high grass.

Glancing back, I got my first clear look at the monster. He was seven feet tall, easy, his arms and legs like something from the cover of _Muscle Man_ magazine—bulging biceps and triceps and a bunch of other 'ceps, all stuffed like baseballs under vein-webbed skin. He wore no clothes except underwear—I mean, bright white Fruit of the Looms—which would've looked funny, except that the top half of his body was so scary. Coarse brown hair started at about his belly button and got thicker as itreached his shoulders.

His neck was a mass of muscle and fur leading up to his enormous head, which had a snout as long as my arm, snotty nostrils with a gleaming brass ring, cruel black eyes, and horns—enormous black-and-white horns with points you just couldn't get from an electric sharpener.

I recognized the monster, all right. He had been in one of the first stories Mr. Brunner told us. But he couldn't be real.

I blinked the rain out of my eyes. "That's—"

"Pasiphae's son," my mother said. "I wish I'd known how badly they want to kill you."

"But he's the Min—"

"Don't say his name," she started. "Names have-"

"Why shouldn't I say minotaur?" I asked.

"-power" she completed

"Food?" Grover moaned.

"Shhh," I told him. "Mom, what's he doing? Doesn't he see us?"

"His sight and hearing are terrible," she said. "He goes by smell. But he'll figure out where we are soon enough."

As if on cue, the bull-man bellowed in rage. He picked up Gabe's Camaro by the torn roof, the chassis creaking and groaning. He raised the car over his head and threw it down the road. It slammed into the wet asphalt and skidded in a shower of sparks for about half a mile before coming to a stop. The gas tank exploded.

_Not a scratch,_ I remembered Sweaty saying.

Oops.

Lightning boomed "Oh _boom_" I said "How the _boom_ are we going to outrun that _boom_ing thing?"

As if on cue, the bull-man started tromping uphill.

"Oh **Sit**" Mom cussed "we need to run!"

The pine tree was only a few more yards, but the hill was getting steeper and slicker, and Grover wasn't getting any lighter.

"Percy," my mom said. "When he will come close, wait until the last second, then jump out of the way— directly sideways. He can't change directions very well once he's charging. Do you understand?"

"no" I answered.

_I do_ Mrs. Dodds said.

"help me hopless fury!" I prayed.

_One condition_ she said

"What?" I asked

_I will call you jacson_ she said.

"say whatever you want!"

"Mom!" i did not think that I was coming out of this alive so I wanted to tell her something.

"What is it " She asked.

"Take care-" I started.

"Percy, you are not going to die."

"Of the lightning theif!"

"What!"

The bull-man lowered his head and charged, those razor-sharp horns aimed straight at my chest.

The fear in my stomach made me want to bolt, but that wouldn't work. I could never outrun this thing. So I held my ground, and at the last moment, I jumped to the side.

The bull-man stormed past like a freight train, then bellowed with frustration and turned, but not toward me this time, toward my mother, who was setting Grover down in the grass.

We'd reached the crest of the hill. Down the other side I could see a valley, just as my mother had said, and the lights of a farmhouse glowing yellow through the rain. But that was half a mile away. We'd never make it.

The bull-man grunted, pawing the ground. He kept eyeing my mother, who was now retreating slowly downhill, back toward the road, trying to lead the monster away from Grover.

"Run, Percy!" she told me. "I can't go any farther. Run!"

But I just stood there, frozen in fear, as the monster charged her. She tried to sidestep, as she'd told me to do, but the monster had learned his lesson. His hand shot out and grabbed her by the neck as she tried to get away. He lifted her as she struggled, kicking and pummeling the air.

"Mom!"

"Go" was the only thing she said

"but-"

"you need to go!" She ordered

with an angry roar, the monster closed his fists around my mother's neck, and she dissolved before my eyes, melting into light, a shimmering golden form, as if she were a holographic projection. A blinding flash, and she was simply ... gone.

"Leave the lightning thief here!" I said

I was angry. Anger replaced my fear.

"Thats it you son of a **Duck**ing **bull**!"

He roared.

"I was Ok when you chased us, I was okay when you destroyed our car..." I said " Actually I found it funny!" I laughed.

"Anyway, It was okay when you killed my mother...but... you vanished my awesome book!, You ^%$^#$&#$^*&$^()*)(*)**)*&%* #$)( _#(+!"

_Somebody needs to improve your language_ Mrs. Dodds said.

"SHUT UP You **HAG**!"

The bull-man bore down on Grover, who lay helpless in the grass. The monster hunched over, snuffling my best friend, as if he were about to lift Grover up and make him dissolve too.

I stripped off my red rain jacket.

"Goats are getting endangered you **ground beef**!"I screamed, waving the jacket, running to one side of the monster.

"I am going to make you Into a hot dog you... dog!" I Screamed.

"Raaaarrrrr!" The monster turned toward me, shaking his meaty fists.

I had an idea—a stupid idea, but better than no idea at all. I put my back to the big pine tree and waved my red jacket in front of the bull-man, thinking I'd jump out of the way at the last moment.

_He is too- _started

"Shut up you freaking **Teacher**"

The bull-man charged too fast, his arms out to grab me whichever way I tried to dodge.

Time slowed down.

My legs tensed. I couldn't jump sideways, so I leaped straight up, kicking off from the creature's head, using it as a springboard, turning in midair, and landing on his neck.

Holly-**Duck**ing-Son-of-a-**bull** how did I do that? I didn't have time to figure it out. A millisecond later, the monster's head slammed into the tree and the impact nearly knocked my teeth out.

The bull-man staggered around, trying to shake me. I locked my arms around his horns to keep from being thrown. Thunder and lightning were still going strong. The rain was in my eyes. The smell of rotten meat burned my nostrils.

The monster shook himself around and bucked like a rodeo bull. He should have just backed up into the tree and smashed me flat, but I was starting to realize that this thing had only one gear: forward.

"Foooooooooooooooooood!" Grover groaned.

The bull-man wheeled toward him, pawed the ground again, and got ready to charge. I thought about how he had squeezed the life out of my mother, made her disappear in a flash of light, and rage filled me like high-octane fuel. I got both hands around one horn and I pulled backward with all my might. The monster tensed, gave a surprised grunt, then—snap!

"Thats for peter johnson and the lightning thief!" I screamed.

The bull-man screamed and flung me through the air. I landed flat on my back in the grass. My head smacked against a rock. When I sat up, my vision was blurry, but I had a horn in my hands, a ragged bone weapon the size of a knife.

The monster charged.

_Use the horn_ Mrs. Dodds said.

"shut the f-" I started "Thats a great idea!"

I rolled to one side and came up kneeling. As the monster barreled past, I drove the broken horn straight into his side, right up under his furry rib cage.

The bull-man roared in agony. He flailed, clawing at his chest, then began to disintegrate—not like my mother, in a flash of golden light, but like crumbling sand, blown away in chunks by the wind, the same way Mrs. Dodds had burst apart.

You son of a- started.

The rain stopped.

I dragged grover towards the hill hoping there was a science lab.

The last thing I remember is collapsing on a wooden porch, looking up at a ceiling fan circling above me, moths flying around a yellow light, and the stern faces of a familiar-looking bearded man and a pretty girl, her blond hair curled like a princess's. They both looked down at me, and the girl said, "He's the one. He must be."

"Silence, Annabeth," the man said. "He's still conscious. Bring him inside."

**Who is this Annabeth and who is this other man- Who cares! I cant do suspense! Anyway I invite you to read the next chapter(coming soon!) and review the story and blahbity blahbity blah without a N of course.**


End file.
